


Living with or without you

by kittyotakuwriter



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 14:19:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1431622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittyotakuwriter/pseuds/kittyotakuwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is dead, leaving Levi behind to mourn after him, basically just Erwin and Hanji worrying over Levi and lots of flashbacks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

Walking down these halls never felt so empty. the concrete walls didn't seem as creepy as they do now. I don't know how I did it before.  
"Levi, are you ready?" Erwin asked appearing beside me. was he always there before? im not sure but I didn't care. I nodded. not wanting to respond.

The horse ride there was silent. the only sound was of the horse's feet as it clicked against the hard dirt. Levi didn't want to go to the therapist, but he knew it was only the best. Eren would want him to go, right? Levi really hoped the therapist thought he was okay so he no longer had to go. he hadn't even gotten there but yet he hated the place already. "This is your first meeting, are you nervous?" Erwin asked attempting to break the ice. "would you expect me to be?" I asked bitterly, he remained silent. probably catching that I just wasn't in the mood. good. I want him to realize his mistake. Hanji and him kept getting about me about how much of a wreck I am ever since the incident. 'its not your fault.' the words echoed in his head remembering what they had told him countless times before. of course every time they told me I never did believe them.

how could I believe them?

We arrived at the building, honestly, the sight before me was a bit surprising, the paint on the walls were chipping off, the windows were faded, they had lost their shine. never in my life would I have thought I would relate so much to a window. The wooden door was badly damaged, missing a few parts here and there. they weren't bad enough to the point of replacing the door though, and I suppose that's why they hadn't. vines were growing up the side of the house and the flower bed that once was, was no longer. the flowers wilted, they looked dry, as if even the slightest look would kill them. "what is this?" I asked finally reacting "don't judge the house, Levi." Erwin said tying up his horse to the horse post that was pushed to the side, probably so it wouldn't get in the way. I sighed and got off my horse, walking it to the horse post and tying it tightly.

 

"just a minute!" a voice called out from the back of the house, as we waited I let my eyes wander; looking at all the different paintings and statues that were scattered along the walls. there was one of blood splatter, but occasionally in the red there was a mix of black. I didn't know what to take of it. but I starred at it for a long time. before I realized that the black blood was almost transparent. as if it was titans blood. trying to vanish. but it was stuck with a human thing. meaning it could never vanish. it was really confusing, but I like it that way. I looked out the faded windows. there was cloth hanging at the top, held up my rope. I wonder if she let go of that rope sometimes to block the sun out. but you weren't able to tell the sun was out there. the windows were much to dirty. something that bothered me. there was dust sitting along everything, mud tracks on the floor. water stains on the ceiling and the wall paper was tearing. This house just wasn't clean.

 

"hello! welcome!" a lady said appearing from a doorway that was missing a door. instead there was straps of leather, the other rooms that I could notice from this angle seemed to have doors, which made me wonder why that one didn't. it was none of my business. "hey sofía!" Erwin called to the lady she had black hair and auburn eyes, her frame was average, not like the one you would find on someone in the survey corps but someone you would find in the village. "this is Levi! you guys had a meeting today!" Erwin said still yelling. this didn't make me feel comfortable. "oh yes, I remember. hello Levi im sofía." the lady said at a normal tone, I nodded in response "How long will this be taking!?" Erwin said, continuing to yell. "Erwin stop screaming." I said bitterly towards him. "not long." the lady responded to Erwin, both of them not responding to my statement. "maybe about half an hour to an hour." the lady continued. Erwin nodded. walking to the door, "He's quite! don't expect him to talk loud!" Erwin yelled on his way out. I sighed looking at the lady, she was staring right back at me. "Levi, please follow me." the lady said turning around and walking past the room with leather hanging from the door way. I followed, taking a glance inside the room as I walked past, it looked like a bedroom. It looked somewhat different from the rest of the house, the dust was really noticeable, the pictures in their frames were covered with layers of dirt, it looked like nothing had been touched in years, it was truly disgusting. she should clean her fucking room.

 

   The room I followed her in was somewhat clean. there were two leather couches and on the table was a notebook and pen. probably so she could take notes. I sat on one couch and she sat on the other. "Levi, the way my therapy works is you will write for me, okay?" "why am I writing for you?" I asked. she didn't respond. instead she starred at me, "what's wrong?" I asked glaring at her for not responding. she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I suppose Erwin didn't tell you." she said closing her eyes, "what would he have needed to tell me?" 5 minutes later she still didn't respond. "Levi, the reason you are writing everything will be because I cant hear good, I can hear but even when Erwin yells I hear it as just above a whisper." she said looking at me. I nodded. wasn't that big of a deal just had to remember that she couldn't hear me. "but in the past, the stories that people have written me helped them, let go." I grabbed the notebook and pen, wanting her to remember my words 'I don't want to let go' I write letting go of the notebook. "that's normal, but once you write it down you realize now that the memory is written down you no longer have to remember it." 'but if I forget I'll move on, and he meant too much to me. I cant forget him.' she read it quickly "why don't we just try it out?

I sighed but agreed "great." she said happily. she walked over to a radio in the corner and turned it on, different calming sounds came on. "just get comfortable." she said. exiting the room. "she makes me feel like a goddamn outcast." I muttered picking up the pen and turning to a new page. wasting paper? yea, did I care? not at all. where do I start? I suppose from the beginning


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi leaving the little session with Sofia and Self pity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back, please enter my world of thinking. I'll see you on the other side.

I sighed. Looking at the notebook I knew to start at the beginning but what exactly was the beginning? what would you classify as a beginning? how do I know when something starts? How do I start writing the beginning? The sound that was echoing through-out the room was, intoxicating. They weren't like anything I had heard. finally the pen touched paper and I swear in that moment, I couldn't tell if I was still alive. 

 

'I remember the first expedition we took. it took out the entire squad. but Eren was safe, I was safe. Im not sure if this was when I had realized my feelings or not. I don't recall if this was before or after Hanji started making small comments about us. saying how she could imagine us being together. she was joking of course but it was a nice fantasy. it was nice to think we would both survive. I think even children know the harsh reality of this world. You either die of old age. which is a very rare thing. you could die of a building collapse. or be eaten. of course being eaten was mainly the reason everyone was dying. of course in this world you cant get attached to anything. Hannah and hanz for example. they were like a couple. it should be common sense to not join the military if you love someone and you definitely CANT be on their squad. it would make their death more painful than it has to be. Hans was missing half his body but Hannah was just blinded by her love and couldn't think. she kept trying. even though she probably knew. sometimes the military kind of gets to you. when you see old couples you think "maybe I can be like that" .of course. we all know, they were just the lucky ones. one couple out of the hundreds that live inside the walls. Hell. im not even sure why im considering us a couple. I don't even know if he likes guys. after all its all just a nice fantasy.

Later that night Eren had come up to me. I cant recall exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of how he was sorry. how he didn't mean for them to die when didnt transform into a titan at the time before. he was apologizing so much. He was blaming himself. I'll admit for a while I blamed him to. it was his fault. he didn't transform into a titan when I need him to most. but then I reminded myself he only did it because he trusted them. he trusted that they would live. that he didn't need to rely on his titan powers. He could rely on others. We didn't all view him as a monster.

I wish I could say the same about those inside the walls. when they saw him lying in the wagon. half the squad gone. we were back too early. of course they went to their first thought. Eren was the cause of their death. he was the reason they were dead. while it might seem right. but just because he was able to transform into a titan didn't make him a monster, it gave him ability. the ability to do what we couldn't. or so we thought.' 

I finished writing and stood up. I no longer wished to write. I dusted off my pants and walked out. looking for sofía. I found her starring at a picture. a picture of someone that was also in the military. I walked over and nudged her. she looked shocked and turned away quickly. looking at me with wide eyes. she finally recognized me and sighed. calming down. "how can I help?" "Im going to leave now. If Erwin stops by tell him I left." she looked confused, as if she was trying to read my lips but was not able to. I sighed. walking towards the door and waved to her. she looked confused but waved back at me slowly and hesitantly. I nodded and left. untying my horse and jumping up once but failed. damn short legs. I put one foot on the saddle and grabbed onto the horses side, pulling myself up. the horse didn't seem to really care. I was satisfied when I was finally able to get on my horse. grabbing the reins and slapping them against its neck. it neighed and ran through the empty streets of the town. I continued this until I arrived at the stone building. the building that housed the once survey corps. I slowed my horse down and jumped off. tying it to a post near the stables, I walked into the stone building and down the stairs into the basement. as gross and disgusting as it was, I never changed the sheets since Eren died. Im afraid they would loose his scent. but every time I visit, the sheets start to smell more and more like me. I haven't brought myself to look at his clothes in a while. I used to always sleep in his shirts but then I realized that made me miss him even more. when I finally brought myself to stop, mainly because the one I always wore started smelling like me, I found myself wanting to wear his shirts again. to be held in his arms and smell him. to run my fingers thorough his thick, brown hair. to be teased about my cleaning fetish, but I don't care about mess when it comes to Eren. Eren lets me forget. so when he died I found it hard to even manage without him. funny how a brat like him could get me to think all these weird things. 

I heard drops and instantly looked up, was the ceiling leaking? no it looked fine. that's when I heard another drop. I widened my eyes. slowly, I lifted my hand to my face. It felt warm and wet. i was crying. over Eren. I laughed a bit. The fucking shitty brat did something I didn't think was possible. he made me cry. I fell to my knees. holding my face in my hands. I cried loudly and made a noise that was a stranger to me. I didn't dare question it. Eren always did being out things in me I never knew I could do. He made me laugh. He made me smile. He made me feel love. He made me feel warmth. He made me feel like I was worth something. but now, He made me feel empty. He made me feel sad. He made me feel empty. and now, 

He made me cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finished? you may now exit my world of thinking. I do hope to see you again soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight between Levi and Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realize now that the points of view change.... ALOT sorry about that :3 its a bad habit of mine. and i didnt realize until recently that i did it. sorry about that ^^' Im trying to not do it so much so i apologize if it changes points of view in this chapter!!

"Levi?" I heard my name being called but i didnt want to answer. 

 

I had spent the night in eren's bed. and regretted it when i smelt the sheets and didnt smell his scent. it frightened me. had he really been gone long enough for the sheets to forget about him? to loose his scent? "Levi?" i heard footsteps on the stairs and looked through the bars of the dungeon to see Erwin appear from the staircase. "Levi are sleeping in Eren's bed again?" "No Erwin i just though id come and lay in his bed while you were searching for me." I said sarcastically, Erwin didnt like the thought of me staying in Eren's bed. he said that it wasnt good for me. That once i got into the habit i wouldnt be able to stop. That a Corporal shouldnt stay in the dungeon. 

 

"Levi why did you leave sofia's?" Erwin asked walking near the bars. "I dont want to be there." I replied simply, turning myself to the edge of the bed and looking for a place i would be able to smell him. to smell Eren. before his scent was gone. "Levi, you're going to go insane." I ignored his comment, i didnt need him. i needed Eren. "Levi the squad is worried about you." "They arent my squad. my squad is dead." Erwin was silent for a moment. "your...new squad." Erwin hesitated. I gave him a look and he fell silent. "the deaths" Erwin looked at me. "they werent your fault." "bullshit." I snapped. "Auroro, Petra, erd, gunther...... Eren. their deaths werent your fault!" Erwin yelled, his voice stern.

 

 "oh yea!?" Levi yelled, cocking his head to the side. "If i had just gone with them! maybe they would have had a better chance at surviving! If i had helped them instead of helping with that stupid plan!" "It wasnt stupid Levi!" Erwin was angry now. "if we hadnt gotten the trap ready in time it could've led to alot more deaths! we will sacrifice what we must for the sake of humanity! that is what it means to be a soldier!" Erwin yelled his eyebrows creasing together. when I didn't answer Erwin continued. "Eren's death was inevitable. we knew the garrison was out to get him. of course they would pounce at any chance to kill him." Erwin sighed as he saw my expression. "He wasnt supposed to die like that." Levi balled his hands into fists, shaking wit hanger. "then how Levi!? Would you rather see him get eaten by a titan!?" Erwin was clearly angry at my behavior. Levi didnt respond. "Look Levi," Erwin said glaring at Levi. "Get your act together. a Titan can come running through those walls at any moment. it is **pointless** " Erwin put emphasis on the 'pointless' "to get worked up over one death. you werent even supposed to be having such affairs with him." 

 

    Levi got up abruptly "He could have saved humanity!" "cause that turned out to be a great success." Erwin said, sarcasm clear in his voice "face it Levi, Eren was just a wild animal. we  played and poked at him as long as we could." Levi moved his fists at the speed of light. colliding them with Erwins face and stomach. sending the taller man stumbling back. "dont you dare _ever_ call Eren an animal of ANY sort. He was NOT an animal." "Levi you saw what he did!" "It was a mistake!" "and so was saving him back in court." Levi looked dumbfounded " _what did you just say!?_ " Levi continued before Erwin could reply " _he helped SAVE the shitty people within these walls for as long as he could."_ Erwin looked Levi in the eye, holding his wounded and throbbing cheek. "while it is true he helped humanity a _few_ times" Erwin said putting emphasis on the 'few' "it was a mistake. we knew he was a danger to us all. the only reason he was able to remain within the survey corps was under _your_ supervision; but even then, look how well that turned out."

 

   "Are you fucking _kidding_ me!?" Levi yelled continuing to try and defend eren "Eren was just able to transform into a shitty titan. and back into a human! dont tell me that wasnt a step for humanity!" "I would tell you it was if all the goddamn shifters didnt try helping the titans!" "He wasn't trying to help them!" "then what the hell was _that_!?" Erwin was getting angry now. "It took us all by surprise! Maybe.....Maybe it was an accident?!" "an accident levi!? he turned on us! we shouldve killed him the first time it happened! i made a mistake in that court room and now im owning up to it." I didnt respond, i felt so betrayed. why was he saying this? "maybe you should own up to yours too." Erwin walked away before i could respond. own up to what? i hadnt made any mistakes. it was everyone else. they... they killed eren.

 

      Hours had passed now and I was still lingering on what Erwin had said, my mistakes? i hadnt made any mistakes."LEVI!!!" Hanji yelled practically falling down the stairs. "You sure are a strange one. this dungeons pretty cold. I still dont understand why you want to stay down here." she was looking at the walls of the dungeon. "we still put him down here. we locked him up. we forced him to stay down here." Hanji gave me a look. "anyways! Erwin told me to take you outside. he said you've been down here too long." she avoided responding to my comment. "come on!" she laughed and grabbed my arm and dragged me out of his bed.

 

    once we were outside i noticed two horses ready for riding. "Were not going outside the walls. but its a bit far. it would hurt our feet if we walked." She said noticing my stares and practically throwing me on top of one of the horses. I frowned but grabbed the reigns anyways. "so Levi, can you guess where we're going?!" Hanji practically screamed at me as we slapped the reigns against the horses' necks. both horses began running. i wasn't in the mood for a conversation and decided not to respond. Hanji seemed to notice this and decided not to ask anymore questions.minutes into our ride and Hanji suddenly turned her horse making a sharp right and causing the horse to neigh and shake its mane in attempt of getting her to stop. "follow me!" Hanji yelled slapping the reigns against the horses neck. i followed by turning my horse but not so harshly as Hanji had.

 

  after about 30 minutes of horse riding we finally arrived and when i looked up i realized. this is the place i last saw Eren before everything happened. before he was killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, its been forever. but no really reads this anyhow :3 so its okay next chapter will include the backstory that has left Levi os-so traumatized :3


	4. Chapter 4

Hanji Most likely noticed my abrupt stop due to the fact that she turned around to face me once she had reached the one lone tree that stood on the hill we had reached, "You know you cant get better if you don't let yourself move on." Her eyes had softened as if she was speaking to a child, I scoffed, she didn't know anything about what I was feeling. Eren had been everything to me, he wasn't a bad person. My lack of response caused Hanji to climb off her horse and move towards the tree to sit under the shade it provided. I followed her, not bothering to tie up my horse as she hadn't; these horses were trained they should know what is and isint acceptable behavior. I sat close to Hanji but allowed a space between us, Hanji seemed surprised I had even sat down but I don't really care what she thought of me. 

"You know.." Hanji started as she stared off into the distance, dramatically as if we were in a fucking book. "When Eren had gone berserk I was pretty shocked you followed through with your promise." "I usually don't like going against my own word." "But if I recall correctly weren't you the one who had gone on that big speech about your love for Eren or have I mistaken you for another lance corporal?" I remained silent.. I had promised Eren I would never hurt him yet I was the one to give the final blow.. I was the one to slice the back of his neck. Hanji continued once she realized I wasn't going to respond, "Eren loved you, did you know that?" Of course I did.. I loved him too. "Whenever we performed experiments he would go on and on about how he had come into this for the sake of protecting humanity and avenging his mother, you know the usual soldier seasons, and then his face would light up almost when he told me how he had found something else he wanted to protect, more than anything he wanted to protect you because he knew what the pressure of being 'humanity's strongest' did to you.. " why is she saying this? this isint helping anything. "Eren always had this gleam in his eye when he talked about his plans with you, he told me about your plans to go see the ocean once the titans were defeated." I don't want to hear this.. what happened to him wasn't fair.. 

"Do you think he realized that he was a titan? That we would never truly defeat the titans until he had died too? Its kinda funny that he said he would go see the ocean after defeating them all, how would that have worked?" "He wasn't a titan!" I yelled.. what kind of talk was this? "He was human just like all of us we all know what happened to him wasn't right! He didn't ask to be a titan it was his dad! Eren didn't do anything wrong!!" Hanji looked shocked at first and then smug. "oh? 'Eren didn't do anything wrong'? then how come he wasn't able to control himself? How come he lost control of his titan form?" "Eren would never intentionally do anything like that! He loved humanity, he loved everyone!" "but you most of all right?" Never in my life did I feet such hatred as I had in this moment. How dare she? What did she know about Eren!? "Eren loved everyone equal and treated everyone like family.. Eren was special it was like he didnt have an ounce of hatred in him.. Eren didnt.. He didnt want to die in vain.." I felt my eyes water and got up to leave, Hanji grabbed my arm and turned me to look at her.

"Levi, what happened wasnt your fault. Its been months, I know its hard but its time to stop mourning him. Hes dead now its time to move on." I starred at her, dumbfounded. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I probably looked stupid with my mouth opened, trying to form the words i wanted to say like 'how dare you' 'Eren was human too and didnt treat you differently like everyone else treated him' so many different things I could say, instead, I said nothing and shook her arm off and walked towards my horse. I climbed on and quickly slapped the reigns against its neck, ignoring the looks hanji was sending my way. 

I rode back to the castle and got off my horse, not bothering to lead it back to the stables because another recruit would find her and take her back, this isint the first time ive done this. I entered the castle and ran to the basement, but when i got there the cell door was closed and locked shut. I became frantic and grabbed the bars and shook as hard as I could, trying to break the bars. After a minute or two of them not budging I gave up, instead, I laid by the bars and curled in on myself and cried. I dont know when I stopped, im not sure if I ever did or if I ever will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut it short because the next chapter is going to be a flashback :)


End file.
